Coaching by Not Listening

Much of our behavior is nonverbal. The statistics vary, but many studies show that as much as 70% of our behavior is not the spoken word, but the "words" communicated by our body language.

Especially with highly intelligent, very verbal (and sometimes verbose) clients, a fog of words obscures what's really going on. 

To cut through this fog of complexity, I look for body language behavior that might be meaningful.  And I'll ask about it.

Two examples:

One client, a a female financial analyst for a large global corporation, would repetitively "twirl" her hair--loop a few strands around a finger and twirl away. When asked about it (she was not aware she was doing it), we had a conversation that led her to the realization that she was literally trying to pull facts, data and idea from her head. Nothing wrong with that.  But in terms of her happiness and satisfaction at work, we had a productive discussion about accessing other parts of herself--her heart, her gut.  This aligned nicely with 360 feedback she had received that she seemed cold and distant to some of her direct reports.

During the course of a coaching session, a male software engineer who worked for a microfinance website would reach across his body with his right hand and massage his left deltoid (the muscle between neck and shoulder). When asked about it, he said he did it because it felt good.  We probed that a bit and he realized he needed soothing for a variety of painful life and work situations, and that he was not taking advantage of the support system that did exist for him among co-workers, friends and family.

Of course, a coach can't--and should not--simply stop listening altogether, but noticing and asking about nonverbal behaviors can help to access real issues obscured by the fog of too many words.